1 week down, 1 week to go.....

Well, it's been a week since those 2 perfect little embryos where transferred back into their new home. I know nothing yet, but I felt it was necessary to update you all on the nothingness. I have already POAS once and it was negative. Too early, I'm sure. Patience is a tough virtue to exude during this time.

I have a multitude of symptoms that could easily be explained away as non-pregnancy related (incredibly sore tata's, intermittent nausea, fatigue, occasional twinges in the nether regions, inability to do laundry, weepiness, etc). I just popped over to Walgreen's website to check out the side effects of the Prometrium and it pretty much covers all of those symptoms. Naturally. ;) But, I'm still hoping there's a bun, or two in my oven! I'll keep you updated. I'm bound to break down and POAS at some point this week. Maybe at least we'll all be prepared for the results of the blood test come next Monday. I'm still optimistic! :)

Hoping does not mean doing nothing. It is not fatalistic resignation. It means going about our assigned tasks, confident that God will provide the meaning and the conclusion. It is not compelled to work away at keeping up appearances with a bogus spirituality. It is the opposite of desperate and panicky manipulations, of scurrying and worrying. And hoping is not dreaming. It is not spinning an illusion or fantasy to protect us from our boredom or our pain. It means a confident, alert expectation that God will do what he said he will do. It is imagination put in the harness of faith. It is a willingness to let God do it in his way and in his time. It is the opposite of making plans that we demand that God put into effect, telling him both how and when to do it.
-- Eugene Peterson.

Henry sings the blues.....

Bummer. Bad news: None of the embryos being monitored for progression towards 5-day, freezable blastocysts actually made it. So here's hoping the beauties the doc put in the oven bake up nicely.....no pressure, right?

In the mean time, there's nothing to do but wait. Completely unrelated to the subject at hand, I thought I'd post a pic of our hairy little "child", Henry...who as you can see was terribly sad about the bad news today too. Pitiful isn't he?

If it were not for hope, the heart would break.
-- Thomas Fuller.

Phase 3, Embryo Transfer

The Big Day!!!!!!!

Welcome Cathey Embryos!!!!!!!!!

Today was the big day! This is a lovely picture of me in my hospital gown and Brad in his scrubs (and of course we are both sporty very attractive hair nets). It is a self portrait in the changing room, in case you were wondering. We were both super excited! Unfortunately we couldn't take the camera into the room where they did the transfer (which, BTW, was the same room I was in for the retrieval) but Brad got to play DJ on the iPod speaker system. So I got serenaded with some Ben Folds and other soft rock during the transfer (I'm sure Brad was disappointed that they weren't Tool fans).

Is it too early to share pics?

I know I'm a little biased bc I am the proud mama, but aren't they adorable little blobs? :) I only hope they stick around for nine months. If not, it's back to the human pin cushion gig (which I could live without). And yes, this is a pic of our actual embryos...don't you see the resemblance? So, Dr. A showed us the above pic and then told us he would be transferring those two particular embryos into my uterus. He also told us that the lab would continue to monitor the remaining embryos until they reach the 5-day blastocyst stage. At that stage, if they are of adequate quality, those remainders will be frozen for future frozen embryo transfer(s).

After the pleasantries above, it was legs in the stirrups, table raised and tilted, and external u/s on the belly (woo-hoo for external vs vaginal). Dr. A showed us the catheter loaded with our embies, pointed out the catheter on the u/s screen as it was inside my uterus, and finally the air bubbles surrounding the embies that were visible after they were transferred. Quick and painless. Easiest thing about the whole process.

Another memento......

After completing the transfer, Dr. A gave us this little memento. This is the petri dish that our embryos were incubated in. I almost cried when they gave it to us...I know, what a sap?!

Ok. Prayers have been said. Transfer completed. Meds will continue. Dr. A advised us, "Just don't think about it for the next couple of weeks.". I won't, if you won't. LOL! So it's the waiting game now. I am surprisingly calm and relaxed....today......

Who travels for love finds a thousand miles not longer than one.
-- Japanese proverb.

Phase 2, fertilization:???

(The picture to the left is an actual
egg being fertilized via ICSI)

So, I got a call this morning from one of the IVF nurses. Yesterday the nurse had said that about half the eggs would fertilize; today we were informed that 7 out 8 eggs fertilized! I am elated. ICSI was definitely the route for us! We are now scheduled for the embryo transfer on Sunday morning. We have to be there at 8:15 so we should be undergoing the transfer around 8:45. We won't know until Sunday morning how many embryos survived the weekend and of what quality they are; that will determine the number of embryos they put back into my uterus. While I think it is up for discussion, it is likely that the doc will put 2 back in considering my age and their desire to keep multiples at a minimum. Brad and I are all about twins, buy one get one free! LOL!

Having the world's best idea
will do you no good unless you act on it.
People who want milk shouldn't sit on a stool
in the middle of a field in hopes
that a cow will back up to them.

-- Curtis Grant.

Phase 1, collect oocytes: romance is in the air!

Ahh, let the romance begin. :) This is the stuff Shakespeare, Lord Byron, and Emily Dickinson wrote about. Today was egg retrieval day. Brad and I parted ways in the pre-op area of our fertility clinic with a kiss and a groggy smile on my end. The retrieval suite was adorned with a lovely blue sky and fluffy cloud ceiling and the vocal stylings of James Taylor (which I just remembered). Everyone at our fertility clinic was amazingly nice and comforting. I even have to give mad props to Dr. A who was more animated and endearing than I have ever seen him (see previous posts re: my affection for Dr. S, my normal doc). He informed me that they were able to retrieve all 8 of my eggs and that, as Dr. A described them, they were "top notch". Brad contributed his "part" without sedation or abnormal incident! We must now leave things in the very capable hands of the ART lab with their microscopes and micro-manipulation devices (enter phase 2 with the aid of ICSI...more on that tomorrow after we hear back from the office). I am breathing a little sigh of relief for phase 1.

How am I feeling you may ask? (How thoughtful of you!) I am doing just fine. I slept for several hours off and on today thanks to the residual effects of the conscious sedation (odd feeling by the way, I am missing entire blocks of time....like when they removed my legs from the stirrups in the retrieval suite, getting from the gurney to the post-op area, etc.). Brad took good care of me today including timely presentation of additional Tylenol and yummy Chinese food. Here is my fortune: "Your secret desire to completely change your life will manifest". I thought it was pretty profound. Brad, the other hand, pointed out my faulty logic by stating that my desire to have baby was hardly a secret. You know, TTC blog and whatnot. Darn him and his cynical logic. Blissful ignorance and optimism are much more fun.

Preparing for phase 2, we will find out tomorrow how many eggs fertilized and of what quality they are. We will also be given a date for the embryo transfer (assuming we have embryos worthy of transfer). It will likely be on Sunday, unless they are looking sickly and then possibly Saturday. I am supposed to return to work tomorrow but am wishing I had a cush desk job. I am still pretty sore with constant cramping (can I get another round of Tylenol?) so I anticipate being limited in my capacity to treat patients. Fortunately, I have great co-workers who are privy to my plight who will likely cut me some slack.

Just want to end tonight's post with a big thank you to everyone who has been sending us thoughts and prayers. I need to trespass on your kindness a little longer and request that you keep sending them our way!

'Hope' is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all.
-- Emily Dickinson

Hope

Ah, yes. The shots are finished. Thank you, God! The box-o- meds is dwindling. In fact, tonight I only had to take my prenatal vitamins (which aren't even pictured!). What's more, the two left-most bottles will be gone tomorrow; leaving only the Prometrium during the 2ww. I'm sure it will be the longest 2 weeks of my life.

I am unbelievably excited about tomorrow. I'm even a little teary at the thought of the potential impact tomorrow may have on our lives. I'm optimistic to a fault, as usual, so I really hope this is our time. But, even if it's not, I am comforted to know that we have a fail-safe. In this moment, I realize the value of the shared-risk program is priceless, worth every penny. So tonight as I crawl in bed, say my prayers, and toss and turn unable to sleep for excitement, I will breath a little sigh of relief that I don't have to stake all my hope on the outcome of the events of the next 4 days.

Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams.
Think not about your frustrations, but about
your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with
what you tried and failed in, but with what
it is still possible for you to do.
-- Pope John XXIII.

Eight is Enough

Good news: Ok. So I have no catchy phrase to describe my, now, eight follicles. The Easter bunny has blessed us with an extra one over the holiday. Bad news: after reviewing the critical s/a results, we also found out that we have an official male-factor infertility issue involving morphology..... so we will definitely be doing ICSI. Hope Brad's ego is not too bruised. (Fear not, he is a trooper and only expressed concern about difficulty TTC another child in the future). Woo-hoo ICSI! Help us make a baby!

Anyhoo, the egg retrieval is scheduled on Thursday morning at about 8 a.m. They will then call us on Saturday to let us know how many embryos we ended up with and what time the transfer will be on Sunday. I am terribly nervous and extremely excited!!!!! Prayers are welcomed (and requested).

"Quality not quantity"

qual·i·ty: high grade; superiority; excellence

Back to the RE today, this time we saw Dr. A. Dr. S will be on vacation this week for his daughters' spring break. Apparently he didn't get the memo, no vacations for him while my follies are preparing to be harvested. Dr. A is nice enough; Brad found it necessary to point that out to me today. Anyhow, Dr. A said my follicles are progressing nicely but that he couldn't pinpoint a retrieval date until I come back in on Monday morning for another u/s and b/w. It is now a toss up between Wednesday or Thursday (March 26th or 27th). Dr. A said that if my follies were slightly bigger then he would definitely say Wednesday, slightly smaller Thursday. I asked if he was at all concerned that there were so few follicles. Dr. A said, "No, we're not looking for quantity. We're looking for quality. 5-10 of good quality are better than 30 of poor quality. Everyone thinks you need to have like 30 follicles. When you have that many, the quality really deteriorates." Ok, pep talk acknowledged. Apparently I have quality follicles, very comforting.

Feelin' Lucky, Punk?

We are enjoying loads of rain here in the greater Cincinnati area. Ok maybe I use that phrase a little loosely. But, regardless, rain or shine, we headed to the fertility doc this afternoon. I had blood drawn without incident (although Brad did give me his fake fainting face behind the nurse's head which is not that amusing once you've seen the real thing--good opportunity for me to practice my stern mom face while mouthing "stop-it").

We were then escorted to the exam room and got to play scratch-off, pocket trivial pursuit (thank you Jennifer) for about 10 minutes while we waited for Dr. S. BTW, love Dr. S. He is overly nice, very smiley. Has pics of his 3 daughters on his desk. He has done about half of my IUI's as well as my HSG and exploratory lap. He knows me pretty well; strike that, he knows my reproductive system pretty well. So, enter Dr. S. ; he checks the follicles and finds only 7. Hmph. I am a little disappointed. When we did some of our IUI's we had 11 and 13. But gotta be upbeat. Lucky number seven, right? Only need 2 decent embryos from those 7 "eggs" to have a good run at IVF. Am all smiles again, thinking about my lucky little seven. We go back on Saturday morning for more b/w and another u/s to see how things are progressing. In the meantime, it's Menopur belly shots for me until Friday then I get to have the Menopur shot plus Ganirelix shot for 4 days! Seriously?? That's ok. I'm feeling lucky. I got my clovers (yep, still alive) and my lucky 7. Just need a leprechaun, a horseshoe, a rabbits foot.......

Eyes on the Prize

For the record, St. Patty's Day was pretty rough. No, I didn't indulge in the spirits and spend the evening hugging the toilet. Instead, I came home from work with a raging headache and spent the evening in bed hugging my body pillow. If I haven't mentioned it before, I am restricted to the medications allowed a pregnant woman without benefit of knowing I am actually carrying my unborn child.

Tylenol. That pretty much sums up what OTC meds I'm allowed to take (above and beyond the hords prescribed to me for IVF). So, yesterday, I unhappily swallowed the little yellow and red wonders and waited for the light-fearing, nausea inducing vexation to cease. It didn't. I rose from bed Monday evening only long enough to receive another belly injection and bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Forgot my pre-natal vitamin all together and awoke this morning with the same lingering annoyance. I know I sound terribly whiny. I don't normally get headaches. Nor do I normally inject high-dose hormones into my stomach. Enough said. Small price to pay for the big joy at the end. Well, maybe if we're lucky, right? Eyes on the prize. Besides, tomorrow we go back to the doctor to check on those glorious follicles that, thanks to all the headache inducing mega hormones, should be plumping up nicely. Here's hoping we get good news on that front! Cheers!

In the mood for meds......

So, the lovely jumble of meds before you represents what a body must endure in prep for a very unnatural process of achieving pregnancy. The boxed items are injectable meds; the yellow boxes are the mix and stick variety to stimulate follicle development, which I started Saturday night (ouch); the blue boxes are the ovulation inhibiting drug, to assure that I don't release the plethora of eggs the yellow boxed meds will create before I take the white boxed meds. The white boxed meds are designed to release the eggs at the time of the retrieval. Wow, I know. Then we have the pills, which are 1. the solitary Valium that I am supposed to take the morning of the retrieval, at home, in prep for sedation, 2. the final antibiotic pill that I am supposed to take the night after the retrieval, and 3. the progesterone suppositories that I have to use, during the 2ww after IVF, to replace what they take out with the ovarian fluid surrounding the eggs. (BTW, they are vaginal suppositories). Wow again.

I am, understandably, a little overwhelmed. Fortunately, some of them are familiar to me from the IUI's, only in higher doses this time. Unfortunately for Brad, the combination of my AF symptoms (cramps, moodiness) and that of the Menopur shots (cramps, bloated-ness, mood swings) are probably not fun for him either. If he complains, I will volunteer to give him a saline shot in the stomach to help him find his empathy. Hmph....that sounded a little persnickety, didn't it? Warning: Mood subject swing without prior notice!

Peas and carrots....

On previous visits the drive took 20 minutes; we allowed 40 minutes; it took 55 minutes to get to the fertility clinic today. LOL! No worries. They are very flexible at our doctor's office. Upon finally arriving, Brad and I parted ways...me to an exam room, Brad to the "collection" room. BTW, I went to the collection room once. Leather couch, single sheet, expletively instructive signage, and embarrassingly old VHS tapes with content I'd rather not discuss (One titled "Hot Chocolate", ok I've said too much, haven't I?). I've not be allowed back on return visits, it's the giggling I think. But no matter, I had simultaneous business of my own. While Brad busied himself with the critical morphology sample, I had my u/s. It was quick and painless, and highlighted the lack of ovarian activity. Just what we wanted to see! The BCP's did their job and, after tonight's dose, they will be discontinued.

Moving right along. I should expect a brief return of AF, secondary to the discontinuation of the BCP's, and then on Saturday (March 15th) we will start the Menopur shots. I say "we" because it is not something I care to do on my own. Aside from an initial incident in which Brad drew back the needle and plunged it into my stomach as in a rousing game of lawn darts or perhaps an imitation of the famed scene from "Psycho", he proved his mastery of stomach injections during our previous rounds of IUI/artificial insemination. I am the mix master (our shots involve mixing saline with powdered medication) and he is the administrator; it is a lovely relationship.

Unfortunately, today, after our appointment we forgot how loving and understanding we were and had a knock-down drag out fight because I want him to attend some of my misc. appts leading up to the "main event"/IVF . I argued that it was important for this to be more about "us" and less about me by having him attend and get more emotionally invested in this process than he did with our previous 6 rounds of IUI (his involvement in those cases consisted of assisting me with shots and showing up at the "main event"...skipping the bi-weekly appts I had to attend). I even set my next appt up for late in the afternoon for his convenience, so he could "pop" over to the office and return to work if needed (it is less than 10 minutes from his work). He argued that he didn't need to attend, his work is crazy, PTO does not grow on trees, and that I am already emotionally invested enough for both of us. UGH!

Fortunately, a few hours at worked cooled us both off. When we got home, we were quiet but attempting to maintain the grudge was hopeless. I had intended to give him a card this morning boldly emblazoned with the statement "Because of you, I bet I smile even in my sleep" (featuring a tasteful picture of 2 cats sleeping next to each other, powerful stuff-I know). With a little hesitation, I decided that I would still give him that card this afternoon and added my own message about the ridiculouslessness of my request, my overwhelming excitement re: starting IVF, and once again professing my undying love for him. He told me, in a small voice almost under his breath, that he had asked off for next Wednesday's appt. I boo-hoo'd a little and we hugged and kissed and all was right with the world. And then, more importantly, he said, "I'm in this with you. Just don't start getting crazy on me. You haven't even started the meds yet." LOL. Well said. This is why we work. We are like peas and carrots (thank you Forrest), PB & J, Sonny and Cher (except the whole divorce thing), etc...you get the picture. We may know how to push each others buttons, and do so at will just for entertainment, but in the end we always choose to put the happiness of the other spouse ahead of our own pride and self-interest. Ain't love grand?

P.S. For anyone who might have been concerned, Brad had his blood drawn today and didn't pass out. For those of you who don't know him, he has a slight history of vasovagal syncope (it has only happened a few times EVER--sometimes untriggered, sometimes triggered by blood draws/donation). After being armed with this knowledge, the nurse had him lay down (on one of the exam room plynth's with the stirups attached... are you forming a picture yet....no he didn't have to put his legs up there..stop picturing that) and all went as planned. Aside from a good laugh, the whole thing was uneventful.

Clovers, and blizzards, and needles..Oh My!

A little update......1. The "grow your own luck" clover kit is thriving. My thought-to-be brown thumb, not the one I sliced on a couple months back--the other one, is apparently instead green. Although, I hope this is not a test for motherhood, because I don't have a good track record with plants; 2. We sent our shared risk contract and giant check into the doctor's office a couple days ago; when we next go there (Tuesday, March 11th), we will be assigned a shared risk id # and will thereafter be treated like IVF rock-stars. LOL! "What? Pay for services? Don't you know who I am?!!". Actually, on our first education day, they took a Polaroid pic of Brad and I to put on our chart so they can pretend to recognize us on sight when we come in for visits. Too funny. Little did they know I would cut more than 6" off my hair before my next visit. If Brad decides to shave off his goatee, they are screwed. Ha!; 3. We are apparently under a "blizzard" warning..lol...don't be fooled....this is northern KY/Cincinnati, OH...we have about 8 " and we are predicted to get as much as 15". I know, I know...those of you in the north and north east feel free to giggle. In the meantime, I had to go to the grocery despite the dreaded "white death" run of bread-and-milkers clearing the shelves. I instead stocked up on Fruity Pebbles and cilantro (salsa is clearly the only snack that will do when faced with a natural disaster.). I did have the misfortune of wearing clogs to work today, but only suffered wet socks. I think I'll live.; 4. While out hitting the grocery, I also stopped by Fed Ex to pick up my IVF meds! Woo-hoo! Upon opening the box, I soon realized that I will be putting a tremendous amount of drugs in my body in a relatively short time frame. Yikes! Good thing I don't have belonephobia.....ah, so many injectables, so little time.

Mission Shared Risk is a "go"!!

Life is good again...no more d#$%rhea. Yeah! We found out today that my FSH level is normal (6) and we are a "go" for the shared risk program! Yeah, again! I talked to the pharmacy, who talked to my insurance, and after a little squabbling we figured out that we only have to pay 1/3 the cost of the medications for this round of IVF!!! A million yeahs! Last night, thanks to my great friend Jenn, I planted the seeds to "grow my own luck" with a four-leaf clover kit. I also received 2 books-o-games to entertain Brad and I during our expectedly boring bouts in the waiting room at the doctor's office. She gave me these this weekend to kick off our IVF extravaganza. This year at Christmas, Brad's sister, Valerie, also gave us a good luck charm/voodoo doll of sorts...a scary little fertility 'god' referred to as "The Bambino". It brought her luck in the form of her adorable son, Trey. So I think we have all our bases covered and have only to wait for time to tick by the next few weeks......

IVF here we come....

So much to tell! We had our IVF education day yesterday Friday, Feb. 29th--Leap Day! We found out that YES we can start IVF this cycle!!!!!! Woo-hoo! I am so happy I could cry!

The education day itself was a little overwhelming. First we watched a power-point presentation with 3 other couples. Alot of information in a short time frame. Then we met with our IVF nurse, Shannon. We found out that we BOTH have to go on 10 days of Doxycline hyclate plus I have to take an extra one after the egg retrieval; in fact everyone in my IVF "class" was prescribed this drug. Upon looking up doxycline, I found that it is an antibiotic used to treat a variety of STD's, as well as inhalation anthrax, cholera, typhoid, Lyme disease, malaria, and an assortment of other scary things. BTW, did I mention that it causes birth defects....and severe diarrhea? LOL..I have already experienced the latter after only 3 doses...oh, joy. Because of this drug we are required to use barrier birth control (BC), but I think that the diarrhea will serve as its own form of BC. LOL. I bought condoms for the first time in our married life today and I hope to feel up to using them soon!

Anyhow, we were also given a timeline of how my cycle would proceed leading up to IVF. Basically, I will be on BC from now until March 11th. I will then go in for an ultrasound (u/s) and blood work (b/w) to monitor my ovarian activity and hormone levels (hopefully all low secondary to the BC) to make sure "down regulation" has occurred in preparation for the stimulation phase. That same day, Brad will give a "sample" for critical morphology testing (to check out the % of sperm with defects, everyone has them, and to determine if ICSI is needed). He will also have his b/w to test for HIV and Hepatitis (required of both mother and father before IVF).

Then, tentatively, March 15th I will start Menopur (an injectable FSH drug) and continue that for 8-10 days, the last 4 of which I will also have to take Ganirelix (an injection to PREVENT ovulation). After I finish those shots, I will get a shot of Ovidrel (an artificial HcG hormone that STIMULATES ovulation) followed by the egg retrieval on around March 27 or 28th. That same day Brad will provide his specimen and the ART lab will put his sperm with my eggs, possibly with the use of ICSI. We will wait 3 days and then hopefully transfer 2-3 embryos into my uterus. We will then have to wait 2 weeks to see if those embies stuck. Whew! My head may explode! IVF here we come.......

I am a ball of nerves.......

News Flash: Shared risk program or bust! We have decided to take a gamble and ask to be enrolled in the shared risk program @ our infertility clinic. I have no reason to believe we won't be allowed to enroll since we have no known diagnoses. We are in the "unknown infertility" category; perfect candidates, I'd say. I guess we will find out tomorrow. BTW, the shared risk program consists of this: pay large sum upfront before initial round of IVF in exchange for a guarantee of a live birth after 4 rounds or your money back, minus a small fee. The "risk" on our end is that we maybe paying just over double the cost of a single round of IVF for 1 round only IF we get pg the first time. But, hey, we will be holding our much awaited little miracle and will not care, right?
Well, coincidentally, AF (Actual Flow, as in menstruation...or as I fondly call it "Aunt Flow") knocked lightly on the door on Tuesday night with some spotting....and broke the door down Wednesday afternoon with an official appearance and some killer cramping. I tell you this because that means I will be on CD (cycle day) 3 on Friday for our IVF education appt. This is a good thing because that's the day they normally do blood work and start you on the BC (birth control) needed to shut your system down before beginning the drugs for IVF. Timing is everything! I talked to an IVF nurse this afternoon and she said we would be timed "perfectly" to start IVF this cylce!!!!!! It's like Christmas Eve and the night before a job interview combined....I am a ball of nerves!!!!!!!!

We may need directions.....

My husband Brad and I have been married 5 and a half years, most of them blissful. And, for the last three, we have been trying to conceive our first child. We've gone from happy go lucky....wow, we're going to be parents!....to, wow, this is harder than IV drug users make it look!...LOL! I'll spare you the gorey details but lets just say that we've seen our share of low tech infertility treatments (pills, shots, 6 rounds of artificial insemination).
Our latest effort to combat the lack-o-baby-ness @ our house involves consulting (again) with our friendly, local, infertility doctor (whose tropical vacations we have been helping to fund). We're going high-tech this time....IVF (invitro-fertilization). We hope to learn more about it after Friday afternoon....when we are scheduled to be enlighten through a riveting 2 hour power-point presentation PLUS a subsequent one-on-one pow-wow with an IVF nurse. Pardon the sarcasm...but I'd like to fast forward to the post-delivery glow and felicity (while holding my twins, 1 of each..thanks for asking)! Game face on, I'm ready to start!