As I approach my 31st birthday tomorrow, I am reminded that my grand plan, many years ago, was to have all my kids (all two that I wanted) by the time that I was 30. Needless to say, God had a hardy laugh at my "plan", as I am sure He always does. But, several years behind schedule, I am so grateful to finally begin the journey to motherhood. I am dreaming of meeting our little one, though I know it is still many months away.
For all the wanting, I have very little knowledge of what it actually means to be a mother yet. Of course, I have basic knowledge of diaper changing, a little experience w/ feeding a baby, and even less re: getting a newborn to sleep in the middle of the night.....admittedly those things scare me a little. But the mothering part, not the actions but the feeling and emotions, is something I've fantasized about since I was a little girl. My mom always had a way of making us all feel special, whether it was our birthday or a random Tuesday night. My parents always did things grandly, not to say expensively because we were a one income family w/ a stay at home mom. But we had traditions that made every occasion feel special. Those are the things that I want Brad and I to bring to our growing family. Funny how this little developing being has transformed Brad and I, or at least my perceptions of us, from a married couple to a family. And my heart swells w/ pride. I'm sure this baby will teach me a lot about motherhood.....hopefully my fantasies won't all turn out to be delusions of grandeur! ;)
So tomorrow is the big 3-1. I'm not worried about getting older. I wouldn't rewind time even if I could. I love my husband, I love my "peanut", my job is tolerable, and we don't want for much. I am blessed and grateful. I'm having a prenatal massage tomorrow and then dinner w/ Brad at one of our favorite restaurants in Cincy. In the gift dept, I am carrying the best one ever right inside me. My only birthday wish is to deliver this little one safe and healthy come December.
We just hope or starve to death.
--- Pearl Buck